


She Was Their All

by ADamnPayne



Category: Shane (1953)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-20 21:02:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18132107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADamnPayne/pseuds/ADamnPayne
Summary: When the unthinkable happens, Adam realizes he isn't as great at coping as he'd thought.





	She Was Their All

Have you ever had a moment that makes you look at life as before and after? Life before Adam pooped in the woods and life after Adam pooped in the woods were two very different scenarios in his mind. Life before Adam saw Garrett’s “Worlds Spiciest Smoothie” video and life after Adam saw Garrett’s “World’s Spiciest Smoothie” were much different too, for obvious reasons.

Right now, Adam realized that this was that moment- the moment where everything shifts from before to after.

The girl was looking up at them like she was sorry. But she wasn’t. She also was wearing a Big Time Rush rubber band bracelet from Hot Topic. 

They all thought they were sorry. But they weren't, not really. Because they could keep going. It wasn't theirs. This was a tragedy in their eyes, yes, but they could go on. It was sad and terrible, but she hadn't been theirs.

Right now, Garrett’s eyes were shining bright, bright blue. But that’s probably because he was wearing colored contacts. His hands were scorching. And Adam could hear Garrett's heart crash against each and every rib, loud and clear like the endless silence that stretched on in the room.

“Adam, Garrett, I'm so sorry, I-,"

"Bud... I don't know what to say. This must be-"

It didn't matter. They didn't matter. She had mattered. She had meant everything. 

Adam hardly registered Garrett's hand slipping from his, or maybe it was his hand that had let go. Adam didn't realize how stiff he was as he sat down on that hospital chair. He didn't notice what color Garrett's eyes were. Maybe that's where it all began, not noticing, not realizing, never acknowledging anything but her.

"Do you need anything? Maybe we should-"

Do you know that feeling when you're walking down the steps in the dark, and you were positive that last step was there? You know because you counted sixteen steps when you were half the height you are now. You know because this house was built sturdy and reliable and you've lived there for years. You know because that last step, or at least you thought, that last step was there. It just was. Well, you step down, expecting your foot to hit that damn step, and you end up stumbling through darkness. Darkness you thought wouldn't hold onto you and keep you because you knew that step was there. And then your running… running… running to the woods. You have to poop. Anyways, she was his last stair… 

"We should go home, I-"

At some point, they ended up in the car. Adam wasn't too sure how Garrett was driving. All dam could see was meat in the sky. He saw pink hats in the trees and Bradley Cooper in the birds. The street signs were her 2009 VMA Peformance and the stoplights were the premiere of “A Star is Born”.

When Blaine closed his eyes, all he could see were the words 'career' and ‘taking a break'. Garrett’s arms wrapped around him.

Adam didn't sleep, but he wasn't awake either. It was like when you slip into such a deep thought that you don't realize that your husband is crying and you might be as well. Adam didn't realize how Garrett was gripping onto the back of shirt, begging him to hold him and make him feel something. Adam didn't notice when Garrett's tears turned into sobs and the sobs turned back into tears.

The early hours before daybreak were hazy and gray, but Adam didn't feel any different.

She was done. 

Lady Gaga was finished making music. 

The next morning, Adam woke up to an empty bed. The sheets smelled like Garrett, even though he wasn't there.

Adam could hear people downstairs. He was almost positive it was Shane, instinctively arriving with Chipotle when he knew his best friend was hurt. Garrett had probably woken up early because he never slept, and then he would've fixed a cup of coffee before changing and brushing his teeth. He would've walked down stairs and opened the door, letting Shane pull him into a giant mother bear hug.

Adam pulled himself out of bed, rather reluctantly, and walked down the steps.

He wordlessly passed Garrett and Shane in the living room, pretending not to hear when Garrett said good morning.

He made himself a cup of coffee, making it as bitter as he could.

He thought about the moment right before the Buzzfeed notifications told them. How everything seemed okay, but then it wasn't.

"Hey, Adam.” Garrett managed to smile as he followed Adam into the kitchen, Shane in tow.

He sort of smiled back.

-

Adam was driving with the windows down. The wind was sharp and cold. It stung his cheeks and unraveled his curls, but he couldn't bring himself to care.  
He couldn’t bear to listen to any music, let alone hers. But silence wasn't quiet anymore.

He listened to nothing in particular. The road flowed endlessly like the ocean or a staircase. Like a lifetime. Like what Lady Gaga’s career should have been. 

If the sun were collapse and burn out, the earth would still be warm for eight minutes. (Adam had heard this in a movie once. Incredibly Loud and Incredibly Close. It’s pretty underground, you probably haven’t heard of it.) Eight whole minutes before dying as suddenly as the sun that used to keep them alive. Adam knew his eight minutes were ticking away, faster than he could hold on to them.

Work wasn't really fun anymore.

"Hey, Mr. Payne! How's it-,”

Adam gave the kid, nameless and faceless- hopefully he'd remain that way, a curt nod. It was the same nod he'd been giving everyone these days, even Garrett, who was certainly not nameless or faceless. But somehow, Adam's throat still constricted and his voice cowered somewhere far away from his lips.

Somewhere, someone was painting a room.

Somewhere, someone was making a list.

Somewhere, someone was winning at poker.

Somewhere, someone was pretending they were in a space ship.

Somewhere, someone was hugging their father for the first time.

Somewhere, someone was hugging their father for the last time.

Somewhere, someone was collecting sand dollars as the beach.

Somewhere, someone was removing someone else's clothing.

Somewhere, there was a woman with a god given voice, silencing her music.

But here, there was the thunder of hundreds of voices. All the students and teachers and students and teachers and students and teachers. The pounding and roar of life all around him made Adam constantly wonder; did the parents hear their child's voice as clearly as he did?

Adam’s room was small. He'd just sort of taken it. His desk was short and a little crooked, but it stored the papers nicely, like a desk should. He realized a few days ago that, however, it was just a desk. Just like he was just a man or Garrett was just a husband. Like work was just work or music was just music. Everything was “just”. 

For lesson plans, he had contemplated the tragedies of Shakespeare or Aristophanes, but teaching according to his own emotional state wasn't exactly curriculum. In all honesty, he wasn't really feeling comedic today.

When the work day was over, Adam somehow managed to find a bottle of Tylenol in the car. He took four pills, even though he really should have only taken three. The headache buzzing in his ears was too much to bear.

There was too much life around him. The birds were too loud. The sun was too bright. Every playground was buzzing with laughter and happiness. The supermarket always had pictures of Missing Children and Angel Trees and Food Donations. Lady Gaga was a milk carton kid, but no one except the malicious hand of fate had stolen her.

Adam pulled into the driveway, the neighbor's kids becoming increasingly loud, even though they weren't outside.

He walked up the steps, hardly feeling the sharp air slap his cheek yet again.

Garrett smiled at him when Adam walked into the house. There was dinner on the table, Adam remembering that the meal used to be his favorite. Before the incident, Adam would've happily taken any opportunity to spend a lovely evening with Garrett and perfectly prepared food. After the incident, Adam sat down and shoveled the food into his mouth as he pretended to go along with Garrett’s fantasy world where everything was okay. Again, food was just food.

That night, he stood in front of the mirror. He stood so close he could see each fine detail. His reflection stared back at him with bloodshot eyes. They weren't the same eyes Adam had three weeks ago. He looked like hell, fiery and raging hot. The silence in Adam's ears was suffocating. It encased his brain like cellophane wrap. He watched as his breath ghosted in the mirror, creating patches of gray specks.

He was tired of thinking about her. She was always in his mind, even if he wasn't meaning to actually think about her.

-

Nothing felt right. The sun smelled too loud. The air felt too sour. His senses were colliding and making his room smaller and the bed bigger. He was suddenly on the North Pole while Garrett screamed for him in the South Pole. Adam could hardly stand it.

He kicked the blankets off because they were too hot. He hunched over because the room was too cold. He closed his eyes because it was too dark. He opened them because the words in his mind were too bright.

“Adam, are you-"

"Adam, god, you're-"

"Please listen to-"

Adam knew there was stamp somewhere on his heart. When she stopped making music, she left her footprint. And the footprint turned into a nasty smudge, and then a hole, and now it was a crater. And it became the vacuum. In went music and life and everything he loved. All the things now tasted bleak and wrong.

Life moved forward, too fast and too soon. Life was where eight hours seemed like only two. Where years and years dwindled down to only a few.

The gigantic cavity in Adam’s heart was going spew over the top with music and life and love. And Garrett. He knew Garret was barely hanging on to the rim of that huge spot, his fingers gripping the edge. He couldn't anymore. Not when his hands were busy keeping the hole from eating Adam and everyone else who dared cross it.

He needed... God, he needed.

Finally, it felt like he'd lifted his head from underwater. Everyone's words that had been interrupted and blurred and unspoken were now clear in his mind.

"You're distant. You're not paying attention. Where are you? I need you,Adam. I know what happened was awful, and I'm trying. I really am. Please... just... be there for me. Help me. I miss her, too." Garrett was crying. He was holding Adam's shoulders, giving him no option but to look into the face that had once sent his mind in a fuzzy slow-motion haze. "I listen to Artpop every night, Adam. I sit there and think about her. I go to work and I think about her. I come home and I think about her."

Adam realized this was the first complete thought he'd listened to.

Garrett was still talking, his mind and his mouth too far ahead of him, "And she's everywhere... I know you feel it too." Garrett was crying.

"You do?" 

Garrett nodded, his eyes looking just as Adam's had in the mirror only hours ago. And like that, Blaine saw each color in those eyes. They were green, gray, and blue all at once. He was still wearing colored contacts, though. His hands were warm as they reached for Adam, pulling him into a hug that was reciprocated. And he could hear Garrett's heart mend as if floated a little higher. Neither of them were completely there yet, but right now, almost was good enough.


End file.
